I can recall many times during my life where I would have an experience and not be able to grasp the words that could accurately describe it or give expression to the depth of feelings. These "feelings", I believe, are a big driver in the way I learn and what I'm drawn to in my reading and studies. Last night I had an experience of finding the words that DID describe an experience so lucidly that I wanted to jump up and shout out "that's it, that's what happens!”

Many years ago in my consulting and client work, I realized that the impact of my work happened when I was in relationship with the other person. My skills and abilities may have gotten me in the room, but something else was now going on. This “something” was building trust and mutuality, a sense of being on the same side and the experience of unconditional positive regard. This would happen even with some of my toughest clients – executives and senior leaders that make high risk decisions every day – and we’d find ourselves in the place of conversations that were rich, deep truth-telling, and vulnerable. There were no techniques or strategies that I was using and yet powerful and transformational moments would occur inside these conversations. I would ask my clients (and my husband!) for feedback about these moments and I would hear that they felt seen and heard, that they mattered, they could let the mask down, they didn’t feel judged or shamed for not being perfect, and they felt cared for. Yet I was still unclear about what I was doing that was enabling this container. This questioned continued to follow me into my formal coach training.

In my various coach training programs, I learned about coach presence, asking powerful questions, techniques and tools to support clients, ethical behavior, and the structure of coaching conversations. Yet these learnings did not begin to tap into these powerful transformational moments with clients.

Yesterday, I stumbled my way into some reading on relational-cultural therapy (I was reading a book about coaching) and the language of “relational” jumped out at me. I found my way to a book by Maureen Walker and Wendy Rosen "How Connections Heal: Stories from Relational-Cultural Theory". The author says, “In relational-cultural theory, relationship is both the process and the goal of human development. Rather than defining psychological health as movement toward increased autonomy, relational-cultural theory identifies increasing levels of complexity, fluidity, choice, and articulation within human relationships as markers of development maturity. Psychological development is seen as taking place in and through increasingly complex relationships, and psychological healing is viewed as a function of participation in relationship, in which mutually empowering connections occur.” The author also described “…chronic disconnection as the primary source of human suffering, resulting in paralyzing psychological isolation and impaired relational functioning. Moreover, such disconnections are exacerbated by patterned and protracted abuses of power in relationship…”

To paraphrase Miller, to experience connection is to participate in a relationship that invites exposure, curiosity, and openness to possibility. Deep connection provides safety from contempt and humiliation; however it does not promise comfort as it is also a portal to increased conflict as the safety in relationship allows important differences to surface.

How does connection grow according to the authors? Through processes that facilitate movement in relationship, growth in connection – relational accountability, empathic attunement to emergent experience, openness to movement through mutual influence, and an authentic capacity to represent oneself more fully. Underneath all of this lies a deep respect for the other.

These words are poetry to my ears. In the parts to follow, I will share in more depth about these three processes of empathy, authenticity, and mutuality. AND, what happens when this connection is broken, abused, or violated.

“The mountain does not laugh at the river because it is lowly, nor does the river speak ill of the mountain because it cannot move about.” -- Japanese proverb