The topic of shame has been showing up in my life these past months.  It began when I had my own experience where I was "shamed" in public by someone I considered a friend.  The experience was bitter and yet I believed this person was trying to help me in their own way.  For days I felt the sting of humiliation.  As I moved through the experience, I began wondering, "do we believe we can shame a person into changing?"

I then began thinking of all the times in my life where I experienced or witnessed a shaming interaction.  There were tons of them!  Parents with children saying "you should have known better".  Bosses saying "how many times do you have to be told ...".  School yard bullies picking on the new kid.  The friend saying "I'm just being honest".  Gossip magazines spotlighting a person at their absolute worst moment - and with photos!  Gals in bikinis with a little bulge?  Or the "who's cheating on who today" update.  And of course, public humiliations and personality assasinations abound in politics and our history books.  And yes, not just "others" but I found many of these behaviors coming from me as well.

As human beings, it seems that we instinctively know that shaming another person will cut a person to their core.  It is one of the most painful emotions humans can experience and goes right our sense of belonging, worth and being enough.  But when did being shamed ever really get someone to change?  And what are the unseen consequences of those shame experiences?  Perfectionism?  Withdrawing?  Guardeness?  Masks?  Secrets?  Pretending that everything is OK?  People-pleasing?

My experience as a professional (working with business people who are trying to bring change in their organizations), as a parent (and mother of three sons), and as a friend is that shame has never brought about the desired end results of new behavior, healthy dreams, happiness, and so on.  So what does?  And for those of us who are looking to help others change, reach new goals, or overcome barriers, how do we become the catalysts for the kind of change where others flourish and are willing to be who they really are.

Author Brene Brown writes about shame in "The Gifts of Imperfection" and says that we can kick-start our shame resilience by claiming our story. Take a look at these questions for your own life - they really knocked me in the head!

1. Who do you become when you're backed into that shame corner?
2. How do you protect yourself?
3. Who do you call to work through the mean-nasties or the cry-n-hides or the people-pleasing?
4. What's the most courageous thing you could do for yourself when you feel small and hurt?

Brown goes on to say, "If we're working toward relationships based in love, belonging, and story, we have to start in the same place:  I am worthy".

Hugs,

Terri